Homesickness
I spent the first month here completely homesick. I would have taken a ticket back to NC without hesitation. The voyage away from NC came at a time when I was just beginning a relationship, and I was worried I would lose in the transaction. Desperately seeking encouragement, I was very open about being homesick.* I was letting myself be vulnerable and opening my heart up to the world, which is something I don't do on a regular basis at home. A close friend of mine told me just a week ago that she realized that I was a real person during January. Who would have known? As for now, I am doing tons better! I have really acclimated to the culture swap and have embraced the opportunity to learn about the world around me. I also booked a ticket to Barcelona to meet up with my favorite QC boy for NCSU's spring break. I will see him in four weeks from today. Im counting down the days!
*Your kind words during those few weeks helped tremendously. Feeling as loved as I did from the other side of the planet is unforgettable. I feel truly blessed to know so many people care about me!
Information
I have been surrounded by many other foreigners who know a lot about the world. They not only know more about geography, but they know more about the current issues pressing on many nations. I took this as a cue that I need to get more informed, so I started reading Newsweek. Once I started reading the news, I realized how daunting the task of trying to be informed can be. Firstly, there is always more news to read. Secondly, news builds on old news which builds on old news. I didnt have this institutional knowledge to understand the news I was reading! Nonetheless, I will never be informed if I dont read it at all, so I persevere. Also, the vocabulary in Newsweek is out of my league. Josh and I talked about how you can pick up the meaning of words contextually, and probably use them correctly in everyday conversation. We found that we might could use the words in the correct context, but we couldnt really define the word (seems like something you should be able to do if you want the word to be in your vocab). Therefore, I started writing down the words I read that I can not define and proceed to look them up later.
My new favorite word: confab- to 'chew the fat' or talk socially without exchanging too much information. Newsweek called the World Economic Forum a confab.
Irregularity
You probably gathered from my previous posts that I have a problem of irregularity in Thailand. I am without a science based class this semester, so I devised an experiment to perform on myself. A diet experiment! I had planned to alter my diet to include more fibrous foods such as fruits and vegetables and evaluate the effects on my regularity. Check plus! The diet has helped with my issues, and I feel a lot better from all the extra fruits consumed. I havent found a publisher yet, but I have high hopes for the write-up of this experiment. :]
Food
As everyone warned before I headed to Thailand, the food is excellent. Not only is the food excellent, but it is EVERYWHERE! I can not walk a block down the street without seeing meat on a stick, fruit, a bakery, an ice cream shop, more meat on a stick.... I have never really had a problem with overeating, but I ran into a serious issue during January. We have 10-15 minute breaks in class where we can go grab something to eat or drink, and the majority of the time we arent in class is spent in close proximity to food. I literally was thinking about food all the time, and when I was consuming food, I was thinking about the next time I would get to eat. I filled up on pastries from delicious bakeries (the bread is absolutely wonderful here). Anyways, I got into a problem with overconsumption and gained a few LBs. probably more than a few, but who's counting. Now I realize that Im not fat and that a few LBs wont kill me, but you have to understand that it was making me feel horrible. I was always overstuffed and worried about my self control issues. (this was just last week). I agreed to cut back on the pastries and sweets and to eat more fruit whenever I needed sustenance. I feel better already, but it has only been a few days- so Ill get back to ya!
Going out
At first when I got to BKK, I was content to be my own person and make my own social rules. Many of the international students started bonding through late night adventures. I had my small social network and chose to opt out of the roof-top parties and club hopping. This was during the time that I was homesick, so I was spending a lot of time in my room (skyping, writing emails, eating, reading, etc). Then I got this idea in my head that I wasnt having an appropriate study abroad experience, because I wasnt going crazy. I had no desire to go crazy. I would honestly rather sit in my room and read the bible or write a blog/email or look up words from Newsweek... really, Id rather do anything than go out. What was wrong with me? I started to feel bad about not wanting to attend late night fiascoes. I was feeling antisocial, the peer pressure to fit in and be like everyone else. After a while I realized that it is okay that Im different. We are all studying abroad to find something different. Im seeking to grow in my faith, learn who I am, learn about the culture of Thailand, and spend some time becoming a more stable person both emotionally and mentally... so of course I didnt want to go out - that didnt fit into any of my goals while abroad. Other people probably have some similar goals and some different goals, and that is okay! Everyone's study abroad experience will be different, and as long as I am happy with my choices- there is no reason to fit into the party mold.
Jesus Christ
This is the big one... Ive been on ups and downs with JC for the past few weeks. Early January was a time when I fell to my knees and asked for strength from the only person I knew could give it to me. He responded how He always does, with divine love that helped me cope, helped me see the time here as a gift to me and not as punishment. He showed me that he brought me here to open up my eyes to HIM. Away from the day to day hustle of Raleigh, I would be forced to change my routine and learn how to incorporate HIM into it. And I did. I was proud and ready to share with the world around me MY accomplishment. I bet youre thinking... YOUR accomplishment? Who do you think you are, Jennifer? You didnt accomplish anything, HE accomplished something. Stuck in my ways of proving myself through my actions, I thought I had accomplished something. I was wrong.
I began to think that my light to the world was my blog and how I could use it as an evangelical tool. How I could seek recognition for discovering Jesus. Like I was the first one to discover such a gift. How I could share my discovery with friends and family back at home. I dont think this is a bad goal, but I was looking at it the wrong way. I was starting to feel necessary, like I was an asset to Jesus. He needed me to do this, and he couldnt do this without me. wrong. again.
I sent an email seeking counseling for the daunting task of being called to do something for Jesus. I am thankful to Pastor Taylor for bringing me back down to earth. Truth is, Jesus can do his work without me. He doesnt need me to do his work for him. I got so wrapped up in what I was doing FOR Jesus, that I forgot all about Jesus. I was seeking to find my self worth in an accomplishment that I did (oh yeah, and dont forget to throw Jesus in there).
So here I am, humbled like never before. Humility is not one of my strong characteristics. Here is the important thing: Jesus saved me. Jesus gave his life for me! Jesus is changing me to be more like him every day. To get the focus back on Jesus and off of me, I starting reading the New Testament based on the New through 30 plan from Charlotte's Elevation Church.
At first, I was terrified. The first day's reading read through many of the ways we should be like Jesus, and I realized how I was not at all like the first 12 chapters of Matthew. Topics like compassion, giving to the needy, anxiety, judging others... Do I need to keep going? I was not living in the likeness of Jesus if these were my parameters. Holy Moley I had a lot of work to be doing. I got discouraged after two days of reading, because I felt like I wasnt getting anywhere. I was reading through the chapters too fast to absorb anything. Trey was also doing it, and he helped encourage me to start reading again. We were both busy during the week, so it was hard to keep up with the reading. Through talks with him and Elevation's sermons, I began to realize the merit of reading the entire NT as an exercise. Here's how I relate it to my life...
Last year when I was working for EM, I learned that industry values engineers who can get down deep into the weeds of an operation and understand the process on a nozzle by nozzle level. Industry also values engineers who can get high above the weeds and explain the process to a senior management executive in layman's terms. Being able to articulate the merits of the process as a whole and being able to understand each specific component of the process are indispensable skills for industry engineers. Maybe that is what I was learning to do in the New through 30 exercise. I could already look at a verse and find a significant meaning in the 'weeds level' of the bible, but I couldnt honestly say that I knew the overarching themes of the New Testament. Perhaps this is a skill that is indispensable to followers of Jesus Christ, too.
Take a look if you are interested: New Through 30 explained
"Into marvelous light I'm running,
Out of darkness, out of shame.
By the cross you are the truth,
You are the life you are the way"
- "Marvelous Light" by Charlie Hall
Wo!
ReplyDeleteHappy Valentine's Day, JMG